Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
