Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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