my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
