The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
