Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Are my feet made of real feet?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
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Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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