fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
