its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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