i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
