Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
