apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
