They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
