He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
