My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
