Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
