i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We smell like vodka and hangover
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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