you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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