Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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