i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
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you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?