God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
