I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
