she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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