If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
