im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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