i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize