...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
