i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
