yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
