You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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