I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
