He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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