Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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