I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
