The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
