Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
