Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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