This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
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