R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
