did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
