My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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