I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
