Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I will pee on everything he values.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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