my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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