70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
