a queef is a wish your heart makes.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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