the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
