Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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