Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
