i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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