Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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