i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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