I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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