Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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